Track Five: Dead Man's Hand

(REX Barron writes)

(A Brooklyn car parts store. 12:46 P.M. Eastern Standard Time. Dr. Zap Flashenstein, in human form, is at the counter asking for help.)

Dr. Zap: Er... Excuse me, you wouldn't happen to have any of this part, would you? (Holds up a piece of paper with a certain part drawn on it)

Store clerk: Um... How can I say this?... We don't sell scribbles, sir.

Dr. Zap: Eh? (Looks at the drawing, then rotates the paper and looks again) Scribbles? No, no, it's pretty clear what I want. (Head tilts to the left)

Store clerk: Uh-HUH. Can you describe it, then?

Dr. Zap: Well, it's a... (Spreads arms, but then pauses, brings his right hand to his chin and lets his left arm dangle) No, that's not it... I'm talking about a... (Has hands up in front of the sides of his face, but then pauses again and drops both arms) Oh, how can I describe the goshdarn whatchamacallit?

Store clerk: Oh, I can get you that. (Holds up a Whatchamacallit candy bar) That'll be 99 cents.

Dr. Zap: Oh, blast it... (Cradles head in desperation) That's not what I meant either!

(Head, meet counter. Fist, also meet counter.)

Dr. Zap (Muffled): Criminy! I just need that doohickey!

Store clerk (Holding up a different candy bar): Oh, we have that too. That's 99 cents too.

(Dr. Zap looks up at the candy bar in the store clerk's hand. Sure enough, it's labeled "Doohickey.")

Dr. Zap:

No, no, no! ...Although I've never seen this kind before... Stay focused, brain... Come to think of it, maybe Tracii would like this. I'll take one after I try to find what I'm looking for on my own.

Store clerk: All right.

Dr. Zap (Walks away from the counter, grumbling): Young 'uns these days just don't get us older folks...

(A somewhat alien-like creature walks into the store. His skin is navy and light gray, and he's got a lot of spiky blond hair. He's wearing a very long gold scarf that ends in a large star, a dark bandanna, shades, a patch on his left eye, a leather vest and matching gloves and boots. He has a cigarette in his mouth and a bottle of some kind in his left hand as he walks up to the counter.)

???: Tell me somethin'.

Store clerk: Uh... Sure. Can I help you?

???: Lookin' fuh some parts fuh my bike... an' fuh free.

Store clerk: Uh... Nothing here's on sale, much less free.

???: Meh, no prawblem. (Grabs the clerk by the collar with one hand while holding up the bottle in the other) I wasn't expecting ya to pick up what I'm putting down.

Store clerk: Oh, this can't be good...

???: If ya dawn't do what I say it wawn't be, ya punk. So, I gawt a list o' stuff I want... Cawf it up or ya toast. Capisce?

Store clerk: So if I don't, are you gonna knock me out with that bottle of whiskey?

Dr. Zap (Peering out from one of the further aisles in the store, turning to look at the strange man and talking to himself): That's not whiskey... That's a Molotov cocktail!

(Dr. Zap ducks behind the aisle and starts to transform: His eyes glow before a pair of goggles appear over them, and then his moustache is lengthened and turns to metal as similar antennć appear on his forehead. His body becomes a bit more pear-shaped as red-and-white armor appears in a flash of light, and finally, wings sprout out of his back and a giant bulb appears between his legs— he's transformed into Shining Firefly of Critical Mass.)

??? (Noticing the flashes of light): Huh? (Shaking the hand holding the Molotov cocktail) Whoevuh's there, getcher ass out where I can see ya NOW!!

Dr. Zap: Oh, dear... I can't stop him myself, can I? I need the others...

(He crouches down even further and opens a communications link with Critical Mass's base. Tracii answers him.)

Tracii: Hello...? Dr. Zap, what's up?

Dr. Zap: I'll tell you what's "up." Some motorcyclist came into this store I'm in and is threatening the clerk. He's either going to steal everything the clerk gives up or he's going to blow the place to smithereens with a Molotov cocktail, and I don't think I can handle this on my own if... (Whispering fearfully) if he's got a gang...

Tracii: Just hang in there, Doc. I'm gonna get everyone else going to where you are. Just give me your coordinates.

Dr. Zap: Okay. (Does so)

Tracii: They should be there in a few minutes. Try to stall the target.

Dr. Zap: Er... Stall the...?

(You can assume Shining Firefly imagines a number of losing situations.)

Dr. Zap: Is there... no other...?

Tracii: You can at least slow him down. I mean, you're a flying robot that shoots lasers. (Crunches a chocolate bar) Can you get me a Doohickey before you come back?

Dr. Zap: Uh... Sure.

Tracii: Thanks. (Closes the link)

Dr. Zap:

Er... Here... goes...?

(He fires a slow Hotaru Laser nervously and tries to steer it, but the unit just hits a wall and causes all the tires hung there to fall down)

???: Come out now! (Throws the clerk into the counter and starts to walk over to where Shining Firefly is) I'm nawt playin', so come out!

Dr. Zap: Oh, dear...

(He tries to hover away and around the other side of the rack, but the biker spots him too soon.)

???: Gawtcha. (Lights the Molotov cocktail with his cigarette and throws it)

Dr. Zap: Ack!

(Dodges the explosive, which causes the rack to collapse) That was close!

???: Nawt gunna miss ya this time. (Lights another and throws it)

Dr. Zap (Quietly): I gotta fight back...

(He charges up a Tail Beam and flies down the aisle, striking the biker with the laser while dodging the explosive. The next rack also collapses; items fall off the shelves.)

Dr. Zap: Er... I've got to get out of here! (Tries to fly away, but is snagged at the ankle by the biker)

???: Now I gawtcha right where I wantcha. (Has another Molotov cocktail ready)

(Just then, the doors to the store open... And in walks Axle the Red in a biker getup, complete with a bandanna, spike-lined boots, Ozzy shades and a joint in his mouth. He walks up to the counter.)

Shadow (To clerk, with a faked Brooklyn accent): So, I been lookin' fuh this guy I ride with... Ya seen 'im? He's got a Molotov cocktail with a match to go...

(Axle the Red takes a puff from his joint as he leans one arm on the counter.)

Shadow: He smokes his cigarette with style.

(Axle the Red waits for a response, but the clerk has taken a hard hit to the head and is out cold.)

Shadow: I SAID...

??? (Spotting Axle): Yo, who ARE ya? Never rawde witcha before.

Shadow: Name's Shadow. (Takes a drag off the joint) Shadow o' tha Awesome.

???: You new 'round these pahts? I nevuh seen ya 'round.

Shadow: I'm a driftuh, but I was bawn 'round heah...

???: I see...

(He takes the cigarette out of his mouth and uses it to light his Molotov cocktail.)

???: Nice try.

(He throws the weapon; Axle the Red couldn't dodge soon enough, and his disguise is burned to ashes.)

Shadow (Hopping up and down in pain):

YOWCH!! OWOWOWOWOWOW!!

???: Now that THAT'S taken care of...

(He looks around, but Shining Firefly used the diversion to escape.)

???: Shit...

(He tosses the cigarette into the trash barrel and goes outside to get on his motorcycle and figure out where Shining Firefly could have gone. Axle the Red follows.)

Shadow (Shouting as he runs out): Nice job deserting me guys!

??? (Riding around): C'mon out, gramps! Youse be askin' fer a royal ass kickin' if ya think ya can hit n' run!

(Just then, a well-aimed Crescent Shot got Chopper while he was driving around the block.)

??? (Stopping his bike): What the fuck? Who did that?

Indy: Ah did. (Walks out from an alley, with the rest of Critical Mass behind him) No'n goes afta mah friends lahke that n' gets away with it.

??? (Spits on the ground): Well, well. Youse'd make a fine beahskin rug in m' room!

Indy: Nothin' doin', Chopper! (Gets ready to attack the biker)

Chopper: Bring it, Yogi! (Gets ready to ram Grizzly Slash on the motorcycle)

REX (A bit surprised): Did he know... without...?

Shadow: I don't follow it either... (Spits his joint onto the ground)

Santo-bot: How did tú get here, Loco?

REX (Gazing down at the joint): Marijuana... Disgusting... That costume was a tad over-the-top, Axle.

Vincent: Not like it can do anything to him; he IS all-Reploid.

Dr. Zap: Er... 'Rex, shouldn't we be helping Indy?

REX: I do believe that he has the situation under—

(A loud boom is heard.)

Indy: SHIT!!

REX: ...Control...

(The seven Critical Masters move out to find their accomplice.)

Dr. Zap: His explosives are potent... (Hides behind the Skiver)

Nine: Hey, I'm not a hiding spot! Be a man and fight him!

Dr. Zap: I'd rather be a mouse and squeak...

Nine: Hide behind someone else, then; I need to go help Indy. (Goes off toward where Grizzly Slash is)

Chopper (Overhearing while driving back over there): Did he say...?

Dr. Zap: Er... (Hides behind Tidal Whale) Cover me!

Santo-bot: Okay...

REX (At Grizzly Slash's side, trying to help him up): Grizzly Slash, how heavily have you been damaged?

Indy: Ah think ah can make it still...

Chopper (Stopping his motorcycle a few feet away): Yo.

Indy: Aw, whaddya want? Ya already got me...

Chopper: Is that Indy in theah?

Indy: Yeah...

REX: Grizzly Slash... HOW, pray tell, do you two know each other?

Indy: Funny story... He's mah big bro.

REX: What?!

Shadow: That's wack, dawg.

Vincent (Using Tri-Thunder on Axle the Red): I told you already never to talk like that again...

Shadow (Shaking from the attack): OWOWOWOWOW!! (After the attack stops, uses Spike Ball on Volt Kraken)

Vincent (Knocked back): Tell me you didn't just attack ME! (Charges electricity in his fist)

REX:

STOP IT, YOU TWO!!

Shadow: Sorry ;_;

Vincent: Whatever...

Elvont: I really don't care about this story, to be honest.

REX: I do, however. (To Grizzly Slash) Why didn't you tell this to us?

Indy: Didn't think it was impor'nt an' didn't wanna get y'all worried.

(He temporarily transforms; curving, slash-like streaks of energy leave the armor and leave just Indiana Starry in Grizzly Slash's place.)

Indy: We're both from an alien race called Starjins. Compared to y'all here, ah guess y'all could say ah'm half-livin' n' half-robot.

(He transforms back. Slash-streaks of energy form the various parts of the armor; the claws and the giant arm are the last parts to reappear.)

Indy: Didn't want y'all ta worry jes' 'cause mah older bro's a lawbreakin' biker.

Chopper: Aw, give it a rest. Nawt like we haven't ALL brawken a law before... Stealin'? Thrawttlin' people? Killin' someone?

Elvont: Given the people present...

Chopper: I just get a kick out of it all. Who gives a fuck if it means I'm a lawbreakin' biker? I dawn't. Indy, good ta see ya again. The rest o' ya...

(Chopper revs up his motorcycle and prepares to use Rush Fire. He drives toward Axle the Red and leaves a fiery trail behind.)

Shadow: RUN FOR IT!! (Takes off, but isn't fast enough and ends up rammed into a wall by Chopper's bike)

REX: Why is it that more or less all our adversaries wield fire?! (Latches onto the building behind him and tries to blow Speed Fire down on a speeding Chopper)

Chopper: Care ta light one o' my cigs, dino? (Laughs as he drives on)

REX:

Tidal Whale! Dark Necrobat! Get him!

Santo-bot: ˇOkey, Jefe!

Elvont: Shall we? (Activates Dark Hold, but Chopper isn't stopped)

Chopper: What was that s'posed ta do, Batman? (Cackles as he throws a Molotov cocktail at Dark Necrobat, who dodges)

Elvont: I should ask you the same thing.

(The weapon explodes right where the Skiver and Shining Firefly— once again using the Skiver as a shield— are.)

Dr. Zap (Knocked out of the air): Zounds!

(He hovers back up into the air again, but the Skiver can't move and hits the ground headfirst.)

Santo-bot: Enough messing around!

(Tidal Whale creates a long Frozen Earth track, but Chopper simply pops a wheelie on his motorcycle, jumps onto the first block, rides the Frozen Earth path— causing the blocks to melt— up to Tidal Whale and punches the Reploid in the jaw, creating a fiery cyclone.)

Santo-bot (Reeling from the attack): ...Cheap shot...

REX: There is one more option, and I ought to have considered it first... (Waits for Dark Hold to run out of power) Skiver, attack Chopper!

Nine (After falling over): Let me take a sec to figure out which end is up, 'kay?

REX:

WE NEED YOU TO FIGHT HIM NOW!

Nine: Okay, okay! (Gets into fighting stance)

Chopper (Driving over): What can Pretty Pony over theah do? (Snickers)

Nine (Angry): WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!

(As Chopper drives in close enough, the Skiver launches a Wind Shredder illusion right at Chopper, then flies over the motorcycle. Chopper is knocked off his bike, and the fiery tracks he was making are put out.)

Chopper (As he crashes on the ground): Lucky shawt, punk...

(Chopper tries to get back on his motorcycle, but the Skiver sends a Wing Spiral his way, which scoops up the biker until the wind vanishes.)

Chopper (Rubbing a gravity-damaged back): Shit... Stawp it already!

Nine: Not gonna today!

(Suddenly, a loud explosion is heard nearby. The Critical Masters all turn and look, while Chopper slowly gets up and on his motorcycle.)

REX: Who or what may have caused something that great?

Dr. Zap (Calculating the distance): It seems like it was only a mile away from here. Should we investigate?

Indy: AH think we hurt mah bro enough ta go check it out...

REX: No, not yet. I don't leave a mission incomplete, so first we must turn... (Realizes Chopper is back on his motorcycle)

Chopper: An' that's my ticket outta this rathawle fuh now. Gawtta go find a new parts store ta steal from. Latuh, punks! (Drives off in the direction of the explosion)

REX: This is convenient to an extent, however. Follow him!

(Zymeth writes)

(The eight Critical Masters chase after the half-crazed biker until his superior speed finally leaves them in the dust. However, that becomes the least of their problems as another explosion is heard in a nearby apartment complex, sending more flaming debris down on the street below.)

Santo-bot: *Spanish garble expressing surprise and concern*

REX: Quite… All right, we ought to leave Chopper to his own devices for now. Clearly this is more urgent than a store robbery.

Dr. Zap: They’re fairly close I say…

REX: Everyone except Shadow: Sweep the building! Find the source and save all people inside!

Shadow: Aww, have to sit this one out? Damn fire… (He crosses his arms, miffed)

Vincent: What a shame he can’t come.

(The seven more fire-resistant Critical Masters dash into the building, trying to find the source of the explosions and the culprits responsible.)

Indy: What tha hell is goin' on here!?

REX: (Already starting to dash up the stairs) If I knew, I should tell it to you.

Santo-bot: Oye, compadres! I hear people up on the floor above!

REX: The people here are top priority! Does everyone understand?

Nine: Roger that.

Indy: Well thar ain't much left o' this buildin', so hurry up!

(They race up several flights of stairs, stopping once to help Indy as the concrete staircase below him gives, and they drag him back up to continue. REX kicks down the door, looking around for the source of Santo-bot’s alleged people. However, no one is found. Another explosion echoes out through the building as the one next to it is blasted with another detonation.)

Elvont: How many other buildings do you think are gonna blow?

Vincent: Hell if I know. Everyone’s running for cover anyway, so I don’t particularly see any point of finding out.

Santo-bot: There might be more folks trapped! We gotta do something, verdad?

REX: Right-

(Another explosion rings out, this one smaller, as the wall separating the apartment building from the office next door sprays at them, causing all of them to shield their eyes in response.)

???: Heeheheheheheheeeh....

(A tall, lanky figure composed entirely of black and white armor bits steps through the smoke before seeing the Critical Masters and stopping dead. He is wearing a jacket similarly colored, and a tattered jester’s cap on his head, also being decorated by a huge array of mismatched armor parts. Most interestingly, however, he was wearing a smiling mask made from what seems to be human skin.)

Nine: Who the fuck...

???: ... Heh...hehehehehehehEHEHEHEH. I gotta say... I did NOT expect people to run INTO the exploding buildings... Oh well. Let the body count rise, I say, heheheheh.....

Indy: Nab 'im!

???: HA! Nanana-no. What, do you think I’m done..? (He waves his hand over his mask and its replaced with another one, marked with an evil sneer) I spent DAYS rigging this one up. HAAAAHahahaha! I feel... Good...

REX: Who the hell are you and why are you doing this!?

???: Inside scoop... “Spade strikes again! Hundreds of lives lost!” Well, only a few dozen so far... This isn’t one of my better days...

Dr. Zap: But why!?

Spade: (He waves his hand again, making his mask an angry-looking one) I HATE people like you... Always looking for REASON.... Well sorry, there isn’t shit to learn, HAAAAHAHAHA!

Santo-bot: I’ve had enough of this! Prepare yourself, villain! (Leaps up and pushes off a ledge formed by the remains of a ledge, propelling himself at Spade in an attempt to pin him)

Spade: HAAAHAHAHA! (Jumps backwards and starts hand springing backwards with an almost surreal level of flexibility, before catching Santo’s shoulders with the hooks on his boots and going into a full spin, using his body and Santo’s much like that of a wheel before springing up again, using Santo’s momentum to send him through the crumbling roof)

Santo-bot: Aahhh!!! (Crashes into another wall, next to a cowering family)

Human woman: Ahh!!

Santo-bot: Ugh... Huh? Oh! Never fear, seńorita, I’ve come to save you!

(Meanwhile)

Spade: (Flips back to where he was and changes his mask back to “happy”) I like you guys already. You all take your turn, HAAAHAHAHAHA. I feel flattered... I get to kill Critical Mass (twitches, uncontrollably)... I feel... Ha...ppy....

Indy: Damn... Take 'im out, Boss?

REX: Wait...

Spade: (Pulls a remote out of his pocket, which is actually several remotes taped together.) Nice call, BOSS... If ya wanna stop the destruction... you’re gonna have to take THIS from me... Hm...Hmhmhmhm... I didn’t keep track of hostages... I really don’t know how many I locked up, hmhm...

Indy: (Growls, frustrated)

Vincent: Either way it sounds like they’re gonna die. (Crosses his arms, frustrated, before suddenly dashing towards Spade with a fist cocked) And you are too!

REX: VOLT!

Spade: Heeheehee! (Tosses the remote up in the air before two blades jet from his “sleeves”, arming him.)

Vincent: DIE!

(Vincent and Spade clash several times, with Spade using his superior speed and flexibility to dodge and weave like a possessed marionette. Spade eventually manages to hook Vincent with the hooks on his boots and send him back towards the group. Afterwards, Spade catches the remote as it plummets back to the ground.)

Elvont: Nice...

Vincent: (Jumps to his feet, crackling with electricity) Damnit! (About to dash back towards him)

Indy: Hold on thar! Ah'm comin' too!

(Meanwhile...)

Shadow: (Grumbling) "Stay here," he says... Jeez...

Santo-bot: (Leaps out the window with an armful of screaming survivors)

Shadow: Ahh! Jeez!

Santo-bot: (Sets the woman, her child, and the other man down) Are you sure there are no others... seńorita?

Woman: Y-y-yes...!? I don’t know! Thank you so much! (Instantly grabs her son and runs off, with the other survivor following closely.)

Santo-bot: (Sighs and looks back up to the building) Just hope REX holds it down up there....

(Indy, Vincent, and Elvont all dash at him, being the first to react. The other Critical Masters are forced to stay back, due to the precarious nature of the structure they’re fighting on. Indy slashes at Spade, who actually slides to his knees and passes between his legs, grabbing Elvont’s ankles afterwards, and using the bat to deflect a ramming attack from Vincent, causing them to collapse. Indy manages to snatch him by his leg and hoists him up to eye-level, glaring.)

Indy: Ya lose...

Spade: Heheheh... I respect your candor but disagree. (Waves the remote in front of his face)

Indy: (Makes a grab for it but suddenly gets a face-full of bladed cards, shot from Spade’s other “sleeve”) ACK! (He stumbles backwards, dropping Spade in the process who lands on his feet, gesturing like he’s waiting for applause)

Elvont: (Still getting up from Vincent crashing into him) Damn....

Spade: (Backs up through another doorway.) Sorry folks... the finale’s here...

REX: Dare you not...

Spade: (Salutes him before pushing the button, causing more explosions to go off, obscuring Spade with a massive shower of debris and flame)

Nine: SHIT! (Covers his head as more rubble rains down)

Spade: (Out of sight) Can’t wait to see you all again...! Especially you, REX.... HAAAHAHAHAAHA!

Dr. Zap: It’s my scientific opinion that we should ABANDON SHIP!!!!

REX: Damnit... he’s right... Critical Mass, retreat!

(REX Barron writes)

(Later, back at Lavender Castle...)

Tracii: How'd it go?

(The eight Critical Masters fall down in a heap at Tracii's door.)

Elvont: Horribly.

Santo-bot: Estamos cansados...

REX: Como Santo-bot dijo...

Shadow: And I have no idea what... (Faints)

Tracii:

what happened?

Nine: Can you carry me into the TV room...? I'll explain then...

Tracii: Um... Okay... o_0;;;

(One recovery and entertainment room visit later...)

Dr. Zap: We... er... So we lost the enemy we went to get.

Shadow: But wait, there's more: He's the bear's older brother.

Tracii:

He was? (Looks at Grizzly Slash)

Indy (Waves nervously): ...Howdy.

REX: However, we then encountered a second adversary. Enter these names into your database, Tracii: Chopper... Spade.

Vincent: If only I could've pummeled that Joker reject...

Nine: Hey, maybe next time.

Vincent: Well, I have to admit I admire his use of human faces as masks, though.

(Shining Firefly slowly hides behind the couch opposite Volt Kraken.)

REX: Your results should resemble an alien biker and a lanky colorless jester respectively, Tracii.

Tracii: Got it. I'll do that later on tonight. (Takes out a Doohickey candy bar and takes a bite)

Dr. Zap (Appearing from behind the couch again): Er... Tracii, where did you get that chocolate bar?

Tracii: I got it from the store you were at after you chased the biker guy out of there.

Dr. Zap:

I forgot to get you one!

Tracii: Oh, and one more thing. (Tosses a strange part to Shining Firefly) Was this the "thingamajig" you were looking for?

Dr. Zap: YES! YES!!

Shadow: Cool it, Bison.

Dr. Zap: This was the thingamajig I was looking for! Now I can build that contraption!

(Flies off toward his lab)

Nine: How'd you find it, Tracii?

Tracii: It was pretty easy. I just walked up to the counter and asked for a part called a thingamajig. (Takes another bite out of the Doohickey)

(Everyone else falls over in shock.)

Elvont: Hm... Anyone want to watch Dark Knight?

Everyone else: Sure.

Elvont: I'll go find Shelly and ask her if she wants to watch it too. Can someone turn the TV to the right channel?

Indy: Sure thing, bud. Someone care ta pass me tha remote?

Shadow: Heads up! (Tosses it to teh bear)

Indy: Thank ya kindly.

(Grizzly Slash points the clicker at the TV and turns off the epilogue.)